Don’t you just hate those freezing cold nights when you wear your warmest flannel pajamas and thickest socks and hurry into bed but are still surprised by the smack of cold that comes off the sheets, so you pull the blankets up to your chin, even that one at the foot of the bed—you yank that up too and tuck the blankets really close to the outline of your body like your grandmother used to do when she tucked you in as a kid and you lie really still and hope this little cocoon you’ve created will somehow become a terrarium by way of your body heat radiating off you while being trapped within the confines of your blanket cocoon and you’re sure you’re gonna be toasty warm real soon, but that doesn’t happen—you’re freezing your ass off and you can’t sleep to save your soul and you think about your furnace and the heat, like where the hell is it? and how is it possible that the thermostat (set by you—to the same temperature every night) does not produce the same amount of heat every night and why tonight it is nose-nipping cold, but you have no answer for this, and somehow by the grace of God you finally fall asleep probably because your body is so exhausted by having worked itself up in a frenzy trying to keep warm that you pass out—and you sleep for a while but don’t know for how long, all you do know is that when you wake it’s the middle of the night and you are in a panic because you’re practically drowning in a sea of your own sweat since it’s so Goddamn sweltering hot in your bedroom that you can’t strip your flannels off fast enough, and thank goodness the fifty pounds of blankets have been dumped in a mountain to the floor along with the bottoms of your flannels, and now you’re so desperate to get the wool socks off but you’re loathe to move too much at this point because you have a history of waking in the middle of the night and not being able to fall back to sleep so you promise yourself you will remove the socks without fully waking, and in order to do this you stay very still, or as still as you can, and you use the big toe of your left foot to remove the sock on your right foot and this goes pretty well which makes you happy, but you’re careful to not get too excited because this might wake you up entirely so you keep the celebrating to a minimum while you now use the big toe of your right foot to remove the sock on your left foot but as your right leg is in a chicken wing formation you get a Charley horse in your toe—if that’s even possible—and then another one in the back of the thigh of the chicken winged leg—which hurts like hell, but you can’t give in to it because half of your body is still asleep and you must keep it that way, so you try to handle the pain as best you can without making too much of a fuss, so you sort of rock the bent knee of that leg up and down, a bobbing action really, and you clench your teeth and breath heavily through your clamped bite which creates a “chee, chee” sound—this helps with the pain and is quiet enough not to wake the other half of you and then out of the dark night you hear, “What the heck are you doing?” It’s your husband. You can’t believe he would brazenly speak out in the night like that, jeopardizing you’re attempt to stay in a partial slumber. To this you reply, “Shh! Stop talking, you’re gonna wake the other half of me that’s still asleep!” Silence. Phew, that was close. Then your husband says, “Well, if that’s the case, I hope it’s the sane half.”
What Do A Secret Illustration, Meeting An Idol and Chocolate Cake Have In Common?
Wow, what a weekend at the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop ! Last weekend, I attended the EBWW in Dayton, Ohio to teach two classes. It was such a privilege to work with so many talented, passionate and dedicated writers. The spirit of Erma was everywhere. As Erma said, “It takes a lot of courage to […]
My Humor Essay, Vacation Anxiety Syndrome in Martha’s Vineyard Magazine
I’m thrilled to share my humor essay Vacation Anxiety Syndrome published in this month’s issue of Martha’s Vineyard Magazine. It chronicles the day our friends Syd and Ted and their sons visited us during our MV family vacation and the high jinks that ensued under the inevitable pressure of creating the perfect day . . . […]
I Can’t Write My Story Because I’m Not A Writer
Someone said this to me the other night at an event I attended for people who have consulting businesses. This guy is a consultant with a compelling personal story, and he’s been told numerous times that he should write a memoir. Earlier in the evening, I told a group of people my own professional […]
Please Don’t Be Alarmed By What I’m About To Tell You
Just because I could not find my writing mug this morning (the one I’ve used every single morning of my writing days — not my entire writing life — only those days (years) during which I’ve been writing my current WIP, even that really dark year when I thought it was all a big […]
Art Vitamin: Your Recommended Daily Dose of Art
Hi friends! Welcome to the introduction of Art Vitamin: your recommended daily dose of art. If you’re an artist you know your art needs to be nourished. We thrive on inspiration, whenever, wherever we can get it. So pop this daily Art Vitamin and soak it up! If you’re not an artist, you know how […]
Laughed out loud about a quarter of the way through and didn’t stop. Thank you so much for that!
change it up editing
Oh yes, been there, done that!
you’re referring to the insomnia, I’m sure!
This is fantastic!
Thanks for stopping by, Lillian!
Hysterical! Thanks for the laugh this morning!
And it’s a Monday! Hope you laugh some more today… good to see you Cheryl!