If there’s a downside to taking a trip to Barbados in April, for a week of repose on an idyllic beach, that thing would be the premature torture of bathing suit shopping.
Of course one could argue, why go bathing suit shopping? You’re going to a tiny island in the Caribbean, not the town pool. No one has seen last year’s bathing suit in Barbados. That was my rationale exactly until things took an ugly turn.
First of all, let me be clear, I have no problem wearing a vestige of the American cruise wear timeline, a garment three to five (possibly seven) years old. I’m a veritable human time capsule of swimwear’s good, bad and ugly. Which practically makes me a performance artist. Anyway, what’s the difference how old they are—as long as they fit—especially since they’re all black. In various leg cuts and strap configurations.
They each have very specific uses: the tasteful, slightly snazzy one for the pool, the one-piece goes to the water park (where it’s not uncommon on some rides, if one is wearing a two-piece, for the top to end up over your head and the bottom down around your knees−scaring young children−ok, everyone−within eyesight,) the swanky one I wear to our friends’ annual 4th of July party, the one that covers the most skin is worn with the in-laws, and the one that reveals the most skin is waiting for St. Barts (new with tags)(and by “new” I mean old).
In examining this summer-of-yore wardrobe, I noticed the tankini’s bottom had completely lost waistline elasticity. I pulled at it gently, but it didn’t pull back. Instead it kept expanding, while softly weeping. That terrible sound that an ancient, abused elastic makes when it’s had enough. A hushed whimper coming from your clothes is sad indeed. One that says, “I can’t take it anymore,” is the saddest of them all.
With a heavy heart I ceremoniously threw it into the trash knowing it must have taken months to find, a myriad of stores, umpteen try-ons.
It would have to be the one-piece to accompany me to the palm tree-bordered beaches of Barbados. It wasn’t my favorite but it would have to do. Until, that is, I noticed that by holding it up to the light of my bedroom window, I could see my neighbor walking her dog, through its threadbare seat. Good Lord. I closed my eyes and shook my head thinking how that must have appeared last summer at the pool.
All right. It was down to the 2-piece halter. Ugh. That one showed a little too much mid-section for my liking and was adorned with a gold thingy on each hip. I must have been desperate and delirious with exhaustion when I bought it. I hate metal trinkets on bathing suits. A third gold goo-goo was sewn at the cleavage. I’d need to try it on. Because of the flashy embellishments it was two summers ago that I wore it last. Better not leave anything to chance. Good news−bottom was fine. Bad news−the plastic hook that holds the straps together was snapped in half. Half a hook is not good. There was enough metal on that thing to send airport security into a frenzy, but the necessary element to hold the bathing suit together was made of plastic.
There were others in the drawer but I was too humiliated to look at them. Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I glimpsed a bikini. In turquoise? That was a long time ago, I reminisced, while unconsciously sucking in my stomach. Why had I kept it all these years? Like I’m really going to lose the ten (seventeen) pounds it would take to wear it? That thing is older than my daughter. The teenager. Do I really need to be taunted by the ghosts of summers past? I closed the drawer.
It would be unavoidable this year. I knew it was time.
What happens next is not for the faint of heart. If you have a weak heart, irregular heart rhythms, take heart meds, we should probably say goodbye here. Thank you for visiting. If not, and you think you can handle it, do come back for the rest of Bathing Suit Torture. Part II. Coming soon.
Bathing Suit Torture. Part I | Jane Wilson
[…] Bathing Suit Torture. Part I. […]
Jane Wilson
More brilliant than ever before. Can’t wait for Part II!
evanatiello
I’m glad to hear this piece is aging well! Thanks, Jane!
Peggy Natiello
This is hysterical, Eva! And very ‘YOU’! Heart arrhythmia or no, I am holding my breath for part 2. Hurry up! This is as hard as sucking in your stomach.
evanatiello
Very funny, Peggy. Part II is coming. Don’t say I didn’t warn you…
change it up editing
You nailed it, Eva! I swear I’ve had the same experiences. Is there a woman on earth who exclaims, “Oh boy! I can’t wait to see how my winter-pale flesh looks in a three-way mirror under florescent lights!”? And that’s exactly why I, too, have a drawer filled with antique suits (swimming costumes?) that I pull out, shudder at, and stuff back into a drawer.
Write fast, please—I can’t wait to read Part II!
evanatiello
I’m so glad to hear I’m not the only one! Thanks, Candace.
Nancy Brady Smith
Eva,
You have just epitomized what every woman goes through with a bathing suit. Can’t wait to read the rest.
evanatiello
thanks for stopping by, Nancy!
Get ready to go shopping!
Jill Weatherholt
I have a few antiques myself, Eva. I think I’d rather shop for a casket, for myself of course, than for a bathing suit.
I can’t wait for Part II!
evanatiello
Nice to see you, Jill. I was thinking maybe it would be a good idea to bring clothes with me the next time I shop for a bathing suit. I could pin back my thighs and my arms, I might actually look slim. Part II is coming…
scribedoll
Once again, you take an everyday occurrence and turn it into brilliant comedy. And right on the nose, too!